I am most afraid of losing a heart that dreams big, an audacious heart, with a near blind optimism that says “i will do this and have that, regardless of what other people think about my proper ‘level’ or place in live”.
I have a secret pride, that i am able to keep such heart, when i see so many of my friends losing their balls almost right after college. Secret pride of not being infected by the zombification virus, “ah, mimpi ga usah tinggi2 lah”, “hidup ga usah muluk2 lah”, “ah, kita mah ga level”, “yah gimana, tiap orang udah ada tempatnya masing2, nasib”, all those bullshit uttered by living deads. I don’t understand how one keep living where there’s no dream in it. Why do you run when you have no finish line nor milestones?
Success is a mind game, cliche and true. I believe that success are available for the man and woman who maintains their guts when everyone else lose it. These guys will take risk and chances, and find that fortune favors the brave. The longer you stay brave, the more time you give fortune to find you.
But now at times i find myself to start being infected as well. It began with innocent thoughts of “ah, i just have to work my way slowly to this”, continues to “this is what i can do with available resouce”, going to the dangerous “this is the available situation, this is my condition”, and finally to the damnable “this much is what i can do with live”.
It’s called mind conditioning, the process in which strands of thought start to take influence of how we think. And I’m so pissed at myself for being a coward now, thinking such low thoughts and allowing such low thoughts to surface and get registered in my brain.
I lost an extremely important thing about a few weeks ago, losing it means canceling one of my life dreams. This might have affected how i think i lately. But no excuse. There are other equally good or even better opportunities in life. I should retrain my heart to believe again, that when this one oh-so-important door is close, other doors are available and accessible to me, again, regardless of what other think about my capacity or ‘proper’ place in live.
And now i’m also at a juncture where i have to choose, between chasing the path that leads to greater personal achievements and prestige, personal, since no one else might even understand why its an achievement for me. or accepting the offer that leads to a convenient, stable, safe, but sloooowwwwwwww life. I think choosing either one will also influence how i define myself afterward. I want the first, but i know what it will cost, been there. and i long for convenience, but i know accepting the sloooowwwwwwww part will make me define myself as a coward. Betraying all these years of maintaining and audacious heart.
The last thing i want is to be a coward.